I Am Single

“May boyfriend ka ba?” “Ba’t di ka pa nagkakaboyfriend?” “Baka naman babae ang type mo.” And some other weird questions that comes with not having a romantic relationship with someone.

People get surprised when I tell them that I’ve never had a boyfriend or just any romantic relationship. It’s not because of my sexuality. It’s because —
And even it’s because of my sexual preference, no one has any right to judge me. But to be honest, I don’t consider myself of any sexuality. I am just me. I don’t want to put myself into a box that has a label on it. (Label is just fine if I choose my label, not other people. But for this one, I’d rather not label myself) I’d love to just love (as long as they have good taste in music jk). Love doesn’t have to be labeled. I’m open to be in a relationship with anyone.
But the problem is, I’m not good at showing…affection (is that even the right word to use?).

There is this guy that I am chatting with on Facebook. He is a nice guy. We’ve been communicating online for months now. And today, he called me up and the first thing I said was “Oh tapos? Ano na?”. I was super awkward. I didn’t have anything on my mind to talk about. Plus the background noise was so loud we couldn’t understand each other. 4 minutes later, he hung up. Ang uncomfortable di ba?
This is not the first time that something like this happened. There were several people that actually tried to deal with my peculiarity. One of the most unforgettable was when, I think, this was in college, an unsaved number called up and I answered it. It was a guy at school and it was very unusual that this guy would call me up, ask me what I am doing during that night. For me, it was a fight-or-flight situation. So I handed my phone to my brother and he put it beside the TV. The guy didn’t have a choice but listen to news report of Mike Enriquez.

Nakakatawa pero sobrang weird lang talaga. Kakaiba lang talaga and sometimes I think people are just pretending/Maybe making fun of me/ Thinking I am a joke. Like they are trying to make me fall into a trap. I obviously have a trust issue but isn’t it a good thing? I mean it’s not easy to think that this new person won’t make me feel less of myself (I’m aware my statement in the second paragraph contradicts this part but-). This thinking could keep me away from a possible heartache – emotional and mental breakdown. So yeah, that’s why I am single.

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I’m on a bus

The air conditioner air is directly on my head.
It has no cover that I could adjust.
And I hate it.
I feel like it’s my responsibility to fix it.
I have scratch paper and scotch tape in my bag.
A pair of scissors too.
So I’ll cut some paper to cover the AC.
And will tape it up there.
Or I’ll use the handkerchief he gave me.
Put it in the hole and leave it there.

So the next person who will seat
on the seat I am seating
Won’t feel the same way I do now.

*breathes deeply*

Ohkay.. I’ve been watching random youtube videos and listening to some good ol’ music and still not satisfied of what going on in my life. This past month, I have made a lot of getaway plans ’cause you know life is too busy here in the city. I feel like I have to go to the beach or to the mountain or to the forest and have a cup of a glass of pineapple juice as I enjoy the scenery of the magical paradise. And those plans were ditched by the people I was supposed to be going with. They had something more important to do than all this and I truly understand that. And yes, I know I know I am very dependent person. Only when it comes to going to places or to a party and to anywhere that I would have to deal with new people (introvert here). So yeah, I just needed someone to go with and I only have very few friends but they’re all busy. I had plans to go to Mt. Daraitan, to Jomalig Island, to the Campfire Session of Typecast in Sagada but nope, not gonna happen. I’m not ranting here, I’m just trying to let go of this feeling… whatever this is.

 

Sunny Day And Thunderclaps

This life is full of lies.
I wish I could ride on a kite.
And fly away to the sky
To see again his beautiful smile.

I’m holding on to the memories.
Question the stories.
I hate myself, I’m sorry
For leaving Gregory.

I could not undo what had happened
He’s gone. Maybe in heaven.
I’m hoping that’s where he’s goin’
‘Cause he was always a good friend.

The mom of my best friend, 
Doesn’t talk to me.
She has been crying for days.
I can not be just okay.

I can’t stop blaming myself.
I can’t stop blaming myself.
I was no help.

I was no help.
I am.
I am the reason why he’s there

Lying in a coffin.
As if he was just sleeping.
Sleeping.
Forever.
I will never see him again.

Before this funeral,
I wrote him a letter.
I wish he’d be able to read it there
 In the safe place.
Where he will rest in peace
While I live missing him.

 

“Greg, thank you for everything. Thank you that I was part of your short but wonderful life. The life that I took away from you. I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasn’t able to save you. I’m sorry that I left you. Sorry that I let you die. I’m sorry you’re not here anymore. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt your mom and your siblings. I’m sorry I was not a good friend. I’m sorry I’ve let you down. I’m so sorry.
I don’t deserve forgiveness.
I wish it was me who died, not you. You deserve to be alive, I don’t. I’m sorry.

I will never forget you. I will keep you in my heart.
I will keep all our pictures together. I’ll celebrate your birthday. I will visit you. You will always be my best friend.”