Remember that one time I’ve shared here that I’m ready and open to meet new people. Well, I’m taking that back now. No, that’s never going to happen. I am still and will always be the weird, socially awkward loser. I hate to force myself to deal with new people. I’m never good at that. I couldn’t make a small talk, could not even maintain an eye contact. So yep, too much human being interaction is not for me.
Today was a really painful day for an introvert like me. Here’s what happened.
Office. Lunch time. Since I knew that two of the newly hired agents have the same lunch as me, I decided to lengthen the call I was taking. And I went out 10 mins late for my lunch. I didn’t go to office pantry cause (I knew..I was sure at that point that) the newbies were having their lunch there. I didn’t even bother to look what food the concessionaire were serving. I went straight to the elevator and made my way to McDonald’s. I happily went inside and ordered my food – soggy french fries, greasy fried chicken and bitter sweet iced coffee (no, don’t get me wrong. I like McDonald’s and these unhealthy food they’re serving. Yum!). I have eaten half of my meal when I’ve run out of gravy. So I went to the counter and refilled it. Then someone called out my name. It’s one of the newbies and she’s sitting by the table with her boyfriend and the other newbie. OH MY GOSH! NOT JUST TWO BUT THREE PEOPLE! (yeah, that’s exactly what was on my mind. My brain overthinks a lot so..) They even invited me to sit with them. I looked calm, I guess, but my mind was all over the place -“I thought they had their lunch upstairs?”.”What I’m going to do?” But as socially awkward me, I declined. Went back to where I was seated and finished my meal as fast as I could. I didn’t want them to see me. It was obvious I was trying to avoid them..or was it? If I only knew they were not in the pantry, I could’ve taken my lunch there instead. hahaha. (yes, I would still choose the option that I could avoid them. It’s not because I don’t like them. I actually love the idea of making new friends but I am not ready and it’s not easy…not for me-so I’d choose to avoid them (which I did, I declined them). I mean, I could sit with them and all but what was I supposed to do? listen to their conversation and not say a word? total awkward – loser. say word/s, talk? uhmm.. even I am not close with them? but that might make me look like a meddling bitch.
I truly believe that trust is something people should earn, one step at a time. And once they got it, they should not take it for granted. Because trust is, generally, equals to relationship. And relationship starts with a simple smile and talk – sadly, things that I am bad at. The friends I have and colleagues I’m close with took me weeks, maybe months to get comfortable with them. I am still a closed door room but I let them peek inside me from time to time. That’s how careful I am when I deal with people. I may not be fully opened to them but I love them and I’d always like to thank them for having me – the loser in social interaction. I’m always a bummer but they accept me.
And the new people, the newbies?.. they would care less, they won’t be able to handle me. I don’t think so, especially after what happened today. They probably hate me now. Oh god, I was a disaster.