I’m ill

I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t stop thinking.
I’m not sad.
This is not sadness.
But it’s not happiness, either.
I do not know what this is.
All I know is I just feel bad.
I feel bad about everything.
Things that I do and things that I don’t.
Things that bother me at night.
Things that I shouldn’t be thinking about.
Why can’t I just stop thinking?
Whats wrong with me?
Or what’s wrong with everything?
I’m so messed up.
My head aches.
I feel nauseous.
I don’t know why.
I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I want no one to see me.
They can’t see me like this –
Lone body of its loneliness.
A soul consumed by darkness.
A person who cries because of nothing.
A creature and treasure of a sinner’s sins.
I am no just hating.
I am betraying every nerve in my body.
I am failing the dream of the little girl I was.
I am killing the dying magic I was told I had in me.
How did this happen?
How did I become the opposite person I wished to be?
Am I a bad person?
Did I do something horrible that I deserve to be in this,
whatever this is?
What should I do to feel something?

I just want to feel relaxed and calm and fine and okay.
And a good night sleep, too.

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