(A)nxiety and (B)aguio

I just got back from Baguio City trip with one of my best friends. It was, uhmm, fun?

Thursday.
I had this really bad anxiety attack. My mind kept overthinking things, I was worried over things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I felt nauseous and my heart was racing. I didn’t get  to sleep that day and I also missed the gym. I was just really tired and sleepy. I honestly didn’t want to go. But I haven’t seen Mary Ann for over two years so I just threw some clothes in my bag and just went out. I arrived at the bus terminal 20 minutes late to our meeting time but guess what? She’d be late too. I sat in the waiting area for almost an hour. It was a dreadful waiting time. I had these thoughts in my head that the people around me were somehow making fun of me or something. I was listening to some music but my mind was killing me. I wanted to just go home but I can’t.

Friday.
It was exactly 12 in the morning when she arrived (finally, may kasama na ako). The tickets we’re able to get was for 6am trip. Fucking 6 in the morning! We waited in line for chance passengers (stand by) and lucky we were, we got on a bus by 4am. And then a long 6 hours to Baguio City but I didn’t complain. I have a best friend with me. We got to talk personal things just like before. We arrived in the city at 10. We had lunch and then started walking around Baguio to look for a cheap place to stay in. After an hour, we did find one. A very small room with a sink and bathroom, plus TV and fridge and then a bed that only fits one person. It was claustrophobic but we had no choice, we took it. We decided to take a rest. And by ‘rest’, I mean, sleep on our sides so the two of us could fit in the bed. I was half laughing – half crying when Mary Ann fell asleep right away. I fell asleep too after an hour. 3 hours later, we woke up, packed some things and went to Chinese Temple/Garden. It was a beautiful place. The scenery calmed my anxiety. And I was able to enjoy that moment. Next stop. SM Baguio. but aha. wrong move. There’s so much people in the mall. There must be a sale, I thought. But it was chaotic. Long queues for check out, taxi lane, and even escalator. Bumping people around was pretty normal. It was not a good place for me. Mary Ann and I were pretty sick walking around the mall. So she then dragged me to the third floor where you could see this amazing night lit city of Baguio. It was a refreshing scene after passing through crowds of people. We stayed there and waited for the city’s night market. I felt more relaxed when it’s started raining but that didn’t long since we have to check what the night market has to offer. There’s so much good stuff and food around but there so much people. We got stuck in crowds multiple times and the weather was making our night market shopping worse. After buying some goodies, we decided to walk home.

Saturday.
I woke up at around 3am. I was freezing and dying to be in my bed, the one at home, the one I don’t need to share with. I really liked the weather but I want the bed to be by myself and be under the blanket forever.I honestly, wanted to push my friend out of the bed. haha. 3 in the morning and that’s what I was thinking. Sorry, Mary Ann.
At 8 in the morning,  I got sore arm and neck. And it’s still raining outside. If only I didn’t have to go back to Manila, I would just stay in that small room for another couple of days. Promise, I wouldn’t go outside.
We checked out of the room at 10am. Then we went to the market to buy pasalubong. We had a plan to go visit Mines View Park but because of all the stuff we’ve bought (and we knew the rain would only give us hard time to commute), we’ve decided to catch a bus to go home. 2pm and we’re on our way home. We’re seated across each other. And that made me not want to have a conversation with her. It was a quiet ride home. I didn’t have anything to do on the bus but to listen to music. And I swear, when Sorority Noise’s Mononokay played, I was teary eyed and at the same time, smiling. It was a weird moment. I have come realized that even though I got issues in my head, this trip was all in all fun. I got to hang out with one of my best friends and experience new place and new things even though, they were terrifying. I hope there’s next time but I want it to be perfect and I, be fearless.

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_ . _ _ _

No.
I didn’t know it’s happening
Until later.
I was not aware of
what’s going on.

No.
I was not strong.
I was weak.
I was helpless.
I can’t tell nobody.
Or else I will be punished.

No.
It was not easy.
It was terrifying
and heartbreaking.
I knew very less word to describe it.

No.
I was not crying.
But I was told
it was my fault though .

No.
It did not stop there.
It continued happening.
But I chose to just not say anything.
I just started to learn how to cry as silent as possible.

No.
I didn’t want them to blame me.

No.
It kind of stopped.
I felt comfortable for the first time
in a long time.

No.
I stopped the silent crying,
self-blaming,
and self-hating.

No.
I actually thought that was the end.

No.
It was about to happen again.
I wanted to grab a knife
and stab him or myself.
I wanted everything to just end.
I didn’t know what else to do.
That’s when I finally cried as loud as I could.

No.
It did stop.
I guess.

No.
I didn’t say a word.

Up until today.

Blink 182’s “What’s my age again?” UHH Darn it.

I turned 23! Nyay.. I feel old (yet I’m still a youngster.but wake up. this 90’s baby is no longer a baby). Because I am a strong matured independent woman living in the world full of expectations and desires. Haha. And to be honest, I like it. I like being an adult. It’s scary and fun at the same time. I didn’t think I’d say that. I’ve always been pessimistic about life but now I want change, I want my life to be a better one. Better than before. I have had questions I want answers for. But now, I feel like I should just go and move on. I should just do what I feel like to do without knowing certain things. I want to believe that there is something out there for me. What it is? I don’t know and I don’t care. The fun part is to learn from things I do. And not from things I dream and expect myself to do. I want to experience life better. I’ve been such a coward for not being there in action, for not having fun. It is my time to take care of myself and live a positive way. Emotionally letting myself hit rock bottom shouldn’t be an option. Stop overthinking, Rose Anne. Put the past on the side and make a way to get a better view of tomorrow. This is not for other people. This is for you and your happiness. Because.. YOLO, haha. Apply “Do things your future self would thank you for”. Give yourself a little pat in the back and say “You can do it”.

Oh PS. Rock that navy blue hair.