weather you like or hot

Life Updates: I went outside and got a new haircut.

(I know it sounds pretty boring but this is new for me)

This summer has been really stressful fir me. It’s not just the heat from the sun and getting all sweaty without doing anything. It’s because…honestly, I don’t know. It’s just I had been feeling down.

But now, I’ve been trying to pull myself together. And since I am not good with all sorts of planning, my life strategy now is “do what first amazing thing you think to do”. And so far, it’s working, I believe.

And I went to Taguig City twice this week. I got to hangout with my friends and just unwind for a little while. And even though it’s not the kind of environment (lots of people and high class establishments) I’m wishing myself to have some relaxation (I want to go to beach!), I was able to relax. I was kilometers away from polluted air and heavy traffic of the greater part of Manila.

Also, I’ve been working really hard to be a better adult. I am working my way to finally be a financially-stabled individual. I started with the basic–envelope budgeting.
And as a part of “oplan better adulting”, I try to be as organized as I can be with my bed, my stuff at work, drawers of clothes. Because apparently sorting out things and seeing them organized after the work make me feel better.

Oh and just today, I got a new haircut.. at a salon.
Because of this scorching weather, I was thinking to get an undercut but I love my shoulder length hair and will love to get it dyed after summer. And I went to a salon to get my haircut done (this is quite a big deal for me as I usually cut my own hair). And the new hair is (drum roll) Hidden Undercut. It turned out to be amazing and I love it. I feel edgy and cutie at the same time. I’ve got no regrets of having this cause I feel fresher on my nape. #yolo #twothumbsupimpulsivedecisionmaking

I am exceptionally glad I feel better now. The start of the summer may be a down season for me but it’s not yet done. I look forward for a full of adventures sunny days and I hope you do the same.

There will be gloomy days but sun will always come back to shine and so do we.

‘they should’ve cut it right at the wrist’ they both laugh
a simper is what she gives them as they continue making fun of self harm
the truth is she feels uneasy under her hoodie
coy face on, she slowly crosses her arms
afraid they might find out of what’s on her left forearm

I will not get tired of hurting and hating everything. For I will not forget the times I was sure what’s happening was wrong. It’s never the end as it lasts a lifetime.
Perhaps till your ruin.

Sleepless Night Thoughts 8

I just finished writing all my thoughts for a sleepless night thoughts entry 7 but it resulted to be very personal.

So I’ll just leave this little poem here.

I am not who I was
And I shouldn’t judge you for who you were
But pardon me, it still hurts
Maybe I could never walk from this curse.

It isn’t the ocean that left me
It isn’t the sun that warmed me
Because nothing was there
I still hate you for what you were

Don’t worry, I stopped cutting
And I’m getting better at crying
Don’t worry, you wouldn’t find me
Hanging from the ceiling

And if I die tomorrow, I hope my parents feel relieved.
I hope they wouldn’t need to conceal.
And I hope somehow I have made them proud.
And my brothers will learn nothing but the made up sound.

Stuck in my head

How is it going, everyone? Good?

I know. I know I’m a little sluggish writer. I stopped writing for a while. Well, not that I decided to just stop. Just not feeling it. I hardly wrote poems and stories. I felt uninspired and lost. I would write phrases that don’t make sense. But I bet you already know that since most of my works don’t make sense. The difference is the things I wrote about these past few weeks don’t help me and felt force unlike the old ones.

But here I am again, writing.. this. I almost forgot I have a blog I have promise myself to dedicate my writings to. That’s why I am writing this, just so I won’t feel bad to see that the last thing I posted here was a month ago and it’s not even my work. I loved the artist who made that one though.

I’m in my head again. I’m pulling every words out of my mind to hopefully make myself feel better. No, I don’t feel sad and alone. I’m not in any kind of trouble. I am fairly fine. No devastating thing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing. I’m just stuck.

Not that I want something bad to happen, a good one is what I prefer, I just don’t want to be stuck. I see the days passing. I see people growing. I see the world moving around them. And I am just stuck. In my room. In my head.

I am happy though. I am happy for them.

A week ago, I have promised a friend to meet and help him out. And today was the day I supposed to meet him but I decided not to go. I said yes to him a week ago, not just because I’ll be hanging out with him and we’ll catch up and all but also because, at least, I have something to do. And for the last minute, I made up an excuse which I was glad he was okay with. I was glad that an hour after I sent him the message I can’t go, I watched the entire season of a show.

I am such a stupid friend.

And I’m guilty. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort. I even let others down.

I choose to be stuck and I don’t like it to be this way. I try to reach out to people, try available opportunities. And yet I always find myself in the same damn place. Stuck. Inside these self-built usual zone.

I want to do this and that. I will say all things I want to do and accomplish and that’s all I could do. No adventures. No amazing people to meet.

I only imagine them like what if.