06.27.17

Just 3 more days before June ends. We’re halfway through the 2017 and I am so ready for new memes to come (I swear, I enjoyed every single meme this year).

You may wonder why me, this poor blogger, hardly post anything.
Well, guess what? shit happens. It hit me hard.

Lost my will to go to gym and to eat healthy. No exercise and bad diet for straight 10 days. And yes,  I hate my life. I feel like If I lose weight then eventually look better, people will treat me like an object more than ever. I might lose the few but good characteristics I have and will only get treated less as a person. I know I shouldn’t think this way but I can’t help it.

My head is a crappy place. I am constantly in what I call “void”. As much as I would love to get better, these thoughts are creeping inside my mind like leeches. They stay and suck all my energy and I will end up getting called “lazy”. And it’s not fun to be “lazy”. I’m staying in my room all day, scrolling thru facebook feed like crazy, not taking showers, eating a lot, thinking about everything – complete worthless. I know there’s something wrong with me as I always feel less or nothing. I was considering to get professional help but I didn’t have enough money to get the assistance I may need.

2017 is, so far, amazing but difficult year for me. Well, it’s only half year done, there’s half year to go. And I wish nothing but best for everyone. Best moments, best people to be with, best experience in life.

 

PS. I promise to write better blog entries.
PSS. I never wanted to be negative, quite annoying and somehow attention seeking person in the internet but yeah, I feel like I am, now.

 

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Not even almost

We lost it“, she’s convincing herself.

You’re not the person I wished to have.
You’re my complete opposite.
You never understood me.

You didn’t get me when I said
“Don’t call me now ’cause I have work tomorrow”.

It meant “Let’s just send each other texts
because I’m not comfortable talking on the phone”.
And the other times we just didn’t connect.

Then I finally told you “I can’t have feelings for you” but I eventually did.

I don’t blame you for it was not your fault.
I was the one who made us insignificant.

I won’t say I want you.
I can’t say that I miss you.
Because what we had was not ideal.
It wasn’t ideal to me.

Yet I constantly catch myself thinking about you.

But I already put the period on our sentence.

And we’ve reached our end.

And then she said, “No. I lost him.

05.19.17

Dear 🙂

Today, I’ve accidentally confirmed your sexuality.

I’ve always thought maybe you’re not homosexual. Yet I witnessed you grew to be more the opposite of your gender. You played with kids opposite of your gender. You love things they do. You’re soft and hard at the same time. You’re a snob that also likes drama.
I shrugged it off. Reminded myself “Nope. Impossible”.

And then today happened.

Although, I am still surprised of what I just discovered. I’m happy that you know who you are. You know exactly what you like, not like me who still questions everything about myself including my sexuality. And it is fine if you’re not yet comfortable to come out. You know you will be questioned. Like “Why?” “How?” It’s going to be a big deal, people will make it a big deal. But I want you to know I’m here. You can always talk to me. You can count on me just what I am supposed to.

You are you. Being gay is okay.

05.08.17

I didn’t go to work today. I still have flu and it’s getting worse. So while I am enjoying a glass of very sour calamansi juice and happy sounding depressing songs, I thought maybe I should share some of my thoughts.

As an adult, I believe that it is a need to have a wide range understanding of today’s youth. There’s times I am the annoying adult that compares their younger years to the life of the younger generation and say mine was better, and then regrets it. I don’t want to be the adults I hated back when I was younger.
You don’t tell kids or just anyone, your life was better. And this is why it is important to learn that life is not a competition. How about we take a step back and just check what they’re doing and guide them.

I have a teenage brother who constantly discovering things in life. And because I want to be the adult I wish I had, I do my best to listen to his stories and ideas. I enjoy seeing him express his enthusiasm with these new amazing things, the happiness fills his eyes for having to know somebody is there for him. I mean I don’t know if that is what he exactly feels, cause that’s how I always feel whenever somebody takes time to listen to me, but whatever. His moment shines. And me as a listener, I’m so pleased to be there. First of all, he’s my brother. And second of all, I don’t want him to feel he has nobody to talk to.

I have only come with this realization when I had a very odd moment with my then 7 year old nephew. I was babysitting him and his sister. They both wanted to tell me things they enjoy about, they’re competing to get my attention. And since his sister was 2 years younger than him, most of my focus was on the little one. Of course, he wouldn’t understand that and it’s quite unfair that I have interrupted him several times until he finally said “that’s okay. you’re not interested anyway” (sad face on). And that was one of WTF moments for me. I was screwed, I thought to myself, and shoot I finally became the people I hate. I, then, apologized to him and admitted that I didn’t have interest but would love to hear him say things he loved.I worked on with my patience with them. They also learned to know when to talk and that cutting people off is not a good manner.

I am still in the process of figuring out the world and its meaning but I try to be a good example to my younger loved ones. I want them to feel safe and comfortable when they share stories with me. And if I have a chance, instill them ideas that would make them compassionate individuals. Oh and just another little story, a couple of days ago, that same nephew asked me what racism was. He likes to research on his own but this time, he asked for my opinion. That hit the 1.feeling safe to share/ask and 2. having a chance to enlighten him to such topics like racism. I’m so happy to be his Ate.

Dealing with kids is very tough but I believe we need to learn that our attitudes will reflect on them. They see us, copy us. So we have to be careful how we talk and treat them. And adults tend to demand for and expect respect from the youth. Well, we have to respect them too. Take the opportunity to guide them with our actions .
My point is we shouldn’t be bullies to the youth. Shutting them down and bluntly saying things like our younger lives were better than theirs are very immature. Why don’t we start treating everyone the way we want to be treated. Each individual’s opinion is important. We all have to know when to listen and when to talk. BE KIND AND UNDERSTANDING.

PS. I know I sounded very manang but I swear, bata pa po ako.

Sleepless Night Thoughts 9

Hello, hello. Good evening.
I have cold and a very bad sore throat. And I cannot sleep again.
So here comes another random thought writing by yours truly.

Have you ever had a dream about end of the world?
And since I’m having trouble sleeping, let me share you a weird dream I had a night ago.(I will share every little thing I remember)

This is quite nonsense but if you have a lot of time (like I did when I was writing this), please read. You might find it interesting, or not.
Continue reading “Sleepless Night Thoughts 9”

weather you like or hot

Life Updates: I went outside and got a new haircut.

(I know it sounds pretty boring but this is new for me)

This summer has been really stressful fir me. It’s not just the heat from the sun and getting all sweaty without doing anything. It’s because…honestly, I don’t know. It’s just I had been feeling down.

But now, I’ve been trying to pull myself together. And since I am not good with all sorts of planning, my life strategy now is “do what first amazing thing you think to do”. And so far, it’s working, I believe.

And I went to Taguig City twice this week. I got to hangout with my friends and just unwind for a little while. And even though it’s not the kind of environment (lots of people and high class establishments) I’m wishing myself to have some relaxation (I want to go to beach!), I was able to relax. I was kilometers away from polluted air and heavy traffic of the greater part of Manila.

Also, I’ve been working really hard to be a better adult. I am working my way to finally be a financially-stabled individual. I started with the basic–envelope budgeting.
And as a part of “oplan better adulting”, I try to be as organized as I can be with my bed, my stuff at work, drawers of clothes. Because apparently sorting out things and seeing them organized after the work make me feel better.

Oh and just today, I got a new haircut.. at a salon.
Because of this scorching weather, I was thinking to get an undercut but I love my shoulder length hair and will love to get it dyed after summer. And I went to a salon to get my haircut done (this is quite a big deal for me as I usually cut my own hair). And the new hair is (drum roll) Hidden Undercut. It turned out to be amazing and I love it. I feel edgy and cutie at the same time. I’ve got no regrets of having this cause I feel fresher on my nape. #yolo #twothumbsupimpulsivedecisionmaking

I am exceptionally glad I feel better now. The start of the summer may be a down season for me but it’s not yet done. I look forward for a full of adventures sunny days and I hope you do the same.

There will be gloomy days but sun will always come back to shine and so do we.

‘they should’ve cut it right at the wrist’ they both laugh
a simper is what she gives them as they continue making fun of self harm
the truth is she feels uneasy under her hoodie
coy face on, she slowly crosses her arms
afraid they might find out of what’s on her left forearm

I will not get tired of hurting and hating everything. For I will not forget the times I was sure what’s happening was wrong. It’s never the end as it lasts a lifetime.
Perhaps till your ruin.