I was sitting quietly across my counsellor as he read the result. While I was scrunching my tissue in my hand, the tears in my eyes continued to fall. I could feel the heaviness in my chest as he revealed who I am and the thoughts I have.

“I don’t see myself getting old.” I blurted as try to avoid to look ay his eyes. He asked “and why is that?” “I don’t know. I just do not see myself live past my 20’s.” I said. He jotted it down his notes. Then he continued to explain my personality and how I cope with things I’ve gone through. I learned that depressing thoughts deeply affect me and I’m also easily anxious. Self deprecation is also evident. Deviation is something I didn’t expect to come up but did.

I could no longer deny that things are not good up in my head. But just like my counsellor said it’s good I’ve asked for help. It’s a first step and it’s just the beginning. Things are easier to handle when shared to others. Having it all kept by ourselves is a big mistake. Letting go of sorrows and dread by speaking about them is one of the many ways we could help ourselves.

So, yeah.. I got hit by reality yesterday. Depression, anxiety, self – deprecation, and deviation.. sure, I am all that but I am not all of that. The session yesterday made me realize who I am but also taught me what I should do to lessen the negative feelings and thoughts and how I could actually help myself.

I thank God for making me feel loved and blessed even at times I doubt myself. I thank Him for letting me to have people that truly care about me. I may have felt neglected sometimes but that is never true as He always make me walk to the right path and realize I am never alone. I am grateful for having this opportunity to help myself. I am hopeful that I would overcome my fears and truly moved on.

It’s inevitable that I’d fall again in the rabbit hole of hopelessness. There would be times that things would go gray again or even darker than I would ever imagine. But I believe something or someone would pull me out of that hole, force me to open my eyes, and make me see light. There’s up above looking out for me and I am glad for having Him.

the pandemic weight gain

One thing I never want to talk about is the weight gain. Since pandemic started, gaining weight was definitely expected but I didn’t think it would be this fast.

I was weighing 83kg, I know it’s heavy but I’m always on the heavier side of women size spectrum. 83kg was my normal and had always been my weight since 2017. Yes, it’d fluctuate more or less but that was the normal. Then pandemic hit and all sorts of stress, anxiety, even traumas… I’ve experienced them all in just one year. I turned to binge eating and since I have nowhere to go, I am keeping all calories in my body. Now, I weigh 95kgs and it’s unlikely to go away.

So self, eat healthier meals from now on, get more sleep…. and WALK (pero gustong gusto ko na talagang mag-gym).